What Would Machiavelli Do?: The Ends Justify the Meanness

[This is a parody of the help yourself to power genre and as such it offers tongue in cheak advice that is nearly identical to the same but serious advice offered by Thick Face or the 48 Laws]
  • Throughout our time here on earth, we all have a choice. To do things the mediocre way . . . or Machiavelli's way. Some choose to follow the easy road. ... And then there are the other people. They rise like gas bubbles in Moët to the top of any corporate hierarchy. They make decisions. They make money. They make other people do what they want. They rule. Because they are the people who every day, in every way, ask themselves the key question that transforms a middle manager into a CEO: "What would Machiavelli do?"
  • What would Machiavelli do? And the answer, in almost all cases, is: Whatever is necessary. ... Amazing how if you want the right answer, all you have to do is ask the right question.
  • The ends justify the meanness. Don't like it? Get over it, you sniveling tree hugger. That's the way things are. If you haven't got the stomach for true success, that's all right. Go be a folk singer or a graphic designer or a social worker or some damn thing like that. The world has need for people like you as well.
  • To live true to the vision of the master, we must be as selfish, narcissistic, manipulative, driven, and creative in getting what we want as we can be, not just in our important business actions, but where it really counts: in our hearts.
  • Page 1 He would exploit himself only slightly less than he exploits others
  • Page 2 a normal human being, like a dog, tries to sleep as much as possible. But these guys are not dogs. They eat dogs.
  • Page 3 He would be unpredictable, and thus gain the advantage
  • Page 3 Impulsiveness. Volatility. Capriciousness. Changeability. In short, nobody knows what you're likely to do next. Whatever you do, though, they know it's going to be big. Big and potentially very, very bad. Also good. Don't you just love that look on their faces? Aren't they cute when they can't figure out which direction that blow is going to come from? This quality of rampaging unpredictability is a well-known tool used by terrorists, authoritarian brainwashers, and those who wish to command and dominate others. It's used because it works better than straight-out intimidation, which can be anticipated and psychologically prepared for.
  • Page 4 The key is being excessive on both ends. Very nice. Very mean. Big, big swings. Gigantic pleasure. Towering rage. Like being a kid again, isn't it?
  • Page 5 The goal here is to keep people off their feed by making them read you like a barometer every time they have to face you. This makes everything they do feel like it counts.
  • Page 6 He would be in love with his destiny. ... If you don't believe that you have a destiny yet, you'd better get busy.
  • Page 8 He would be, for the most part, a paranoid freak
  • Page 9 Why shouldn't you assume that everyone is against you? It's more rational than believing that they're on your side.
  • Page 10 The real world is unbearably threatening. Shape the one around you so that it bears very little resemblance to the real thing.
  • Page 12 He would always be at war
  • Page 14 Skillful use of paranoia paired with a generally warlike stance is the bedrock upon which all Machiavellian rulership is based.
  • Page 16 He would cultivate a few, well-loved enemies
  • Page 21 He would have a couple of good friends, too
  • Page 22 He would acquire his neighbor ... purchase entire companies whose incoming cash can simply be applied to your own to give the illusion of enormous revenue growth, quarter after quarter, year after year. ... No matter what's the size of your principality, you've got stuff to acquire. Look around you. Isn't there somebody you could control more? Some small person, who works next to you on the floor, say. Or your boss, who is extremely paranoid and needy? How about him?
  • Page 25 He would think BIG
  • Page 25 What is in your sane little mind right now? Double it. Triple it. Expand your goal until it is so bloated, so gigantized, that you barely recognize it.
  • Page 27 He would move forward like a great shark, eating as he goes
  • Page 29 He would kill people, but only if he could feel good about himself afterward
  • Page 37 He would fire his own mother if necessary
  • Page 41 He would make a virtue out of his obnoxiousness
  • Page 41 Princes have their own rules of order, ones that come with the big, hard territory, and they don't care about the laws that govern other people. This ability to act out one's most childish and obnoxious urges is the right of princes, and they exercise it with pleasure.
  • Page 44 He would be way upbeat!
  • Page 44 A real Machiavellian is happy all the time, except when enraged about something.
  • Page 45 He would be satisfied with nobody but himself
  • Page 47 He would treat himself right
  • Page 47 It's a small prince indeed who doesn't pay himself back on a daily basis for the stress, long hours, and indignities of life.
  • Page 52 She would view her gender as both a liability and an asset. Ginger had to do everything that Fred did except backwards and in high heels."—FORMER TEXAS GOVERNOR ANN RICHARDS. You don't need a dick to act like one. But it seems to help. ... A lot of women have mastered the Machiavellian arts, I don't mean to say they haven't. ... But the sad fact is, far too often, way, way too often, you see women who get where they are by hard work and genuine talent and accomplishment, and use nothing more than that to stay on top.
  • Page 58 He would use what he's got
  • Page 60 He would embrace his own madness
  • Page 61 NARCISSISM: Until you learn to view other people solely as a function of your needs, you will be a short hitter. You have enormous selfishness within you. Let it out. Let it flower. Practice viewing the world around you as the ancients did the universe, with the earth (you) at the center, and the sun, moon, and stars (everything else) rotating around you.
  • Page 64 He would do what he feels like doing, you idiot
  • Page 65 Absolutely doing what you want in all circumstances will also make others fear you, because they know that when it comes right down to it, you don't give a shit. And not giving a shit is big mojo. Not giving a shit is made up of three parts: Not being afraid of what other people think; Not caring about their feelings; Keeping your eyes on the prize.
  • Page 69 He would say what he felt like saying
  • Page 71 He would delegate all crummy tasks—except the ones he enjoys
  • Page 71 You don't have to be a powerful prince to start on the process of getting other people to do the stuff you don't wanna do.
  • Page 72 He wouldn't exactly seek the company of ass-kissers and bimbos, but he wouldn't reject them out of hand, either
  • Page 73 He would respond poorly to criticism
  • Page 73 If they feel like there's something you need to know about your behavior or performance, so be it. Let them talk. But make them pay.
  • Page 74 He would carry a grudge until the extinction of the cockroach.
  • Page 77 He would lie, when it was necessary.
  • Page 77 The truth is your servant, not your master.
  • Page 77 What is the truth, anyway? Does any of us really know what's true? And is truth an absolute? Can't things be sort of true? A little bit true? True in a deeper sense? True enough for military work? True for me, not for you? All too true? Of course they can. Particularly if have the personal power to make other people see the truth your way.
  • Page 81 He would be proud of his cruelty and see it as strength
  • Page 81 There are no winners who aren't hard as a rock inside.
  • Page 84 A lot of really bad things lie ahead of you. If you're not going to enjoy them, you might as well not get started.
  • Page 85 He would kick ass and take names
  • Page 85 You can't be too insulting. Let me put that another way. You can be as insulting as you like. Isn't that great?
  • Page 89 He would permanently cripple those who disappoint him
  • Page 93 He would torture people until they were only too happy to destroy themselves
  • Page 96 He would feast on other people's discord
  • Page 97 Invite select associates to some meetings, while excluding others. Do not be consistent.
  • Page 97 Assign the same task to different people without telling them you have done so.
  • Page 98 Talk about others to their peers.
  • Page 98 Be very clear in discussions that someone else's priority has effectively killed those of their peers.
  • Page 98 Praise people publicly in a way that shames others.
  • Page 99 He would make you fear for your life
  • Page 101 He would be loyal to the people who could put up with all this
  • Page 106 He would have no patience for anyfuckingbody
  • Page 107 He would screw with people's weekends, wedding plans, open-heart surgery . .
  • Page 108 He would put it in your face
  • Page 110 He would realize that loving yourself means never having to say you're sorry
  • Page 110 Princes never do anything wrong, so they never need to apologize. When they're right they're right. And when they're wrong they're right.
  • Page 117 He would have no conscience to speak of
  • Page 117 egocentrism of the selfish, amoral child who wants what he wants and permits nothing to get in its way.
  • Page 119 Anything baby does is right, because, to a baby, self- satisfaction is the one and only value in the universe.
  • Page 120 He would scream at people a lot
  • Page 120 So we're in the Ritz hotel in Paris . . . we're disagreeing over the numbers. Suddenly Jagger explodes: "You fat fucking record executives!" he screams. "What do you know?" He jumps up. I jump up. "Fuck you!" I scream back. I'm pretty sure I can take him, but I don't want to get into a real fistfight. He backs down. . . . Nobody out-geschreis me. —WALTER YETNIKOV, FORMER HEAD OF CBS RECORDS
  • Page 123 He would establish and maintain a psychotic level of control
  • Page 125 Forget control over the things that almost no one can control—the weather, your government, the stock market, traffic. Control the things you can. Incoming phone calls. Paper. Your meeting schedule. But most of all, control every person who is likely to cross your path and remain in it for more than five minutes.
  • Page 127 He would follow the money, honey ... While living a lavish personal life, the true prince must be obsessively focused on the nickels and dimes that turn into billions of dollars after a couple of quarterly reports.
  • Page 131 He wouldn't be afraid to sling that bullshit. ... "Donald is a big believer in the big-lie theory," one of his lawyers told Vanity Fair back in 1990. "If you say something again and again people will believe you." This may be a bit unkind. There's no law against giving the world your construct of reality. That's just one of the things you need to do to make it come true. ... Bullshitting is different than lying. ... In this particular craft (you can't really call it an art), those who succeed must recognize the moment of bullshit—the instant where the choice is made not to offer a rational explanation or a thoughtful, honest response, but to sling a load in the face of the problem instead.
  • Page 137 He would eat to kill
  • Page 138 You can't actually use poison. But there are plenty of foods that can ruin other people for business. Then you can swoop down on them.
  • Page 138 Breakfast. The most important meal for hurting other people. Bacon is your most effective tool. Get the other person to eat a lot of it. It's fatty and salty and delicious, and they will get slow and childish as they eat it, and start feeling self-indulgent and happy. You can find out a lot about them in this state.
  • Page 142 He would never retire
  • Page 144 He would have fun
  • Page 145
  • Page 145 He would not be a jerk.
  • Page 146 Moderation, it turns out, is always called for, even in the use of power. It is possible for very big players to out-Machiavelli Machiavelli himself. But it doesn't help them any.