The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
As extensive research in recent years has shown, charisma is the result of specific nonverbal behaviors; like many other social skills, charismatic behaviors are generally learned early in life.
The equation that produces charisma is actually fairly simple. All you have to do is give the impression that you possess both high power and high warmth, since charismatic behaviors project a combination of these two qualities.
“Fight or flight?” is the power question. “Friend or foe?” is the warmth question.
A final dimension underlies both of these qualities: presence.
[A person who has presence is] completely here with you, in this moment.
Contrary to commonly held charisma myths, you don’t have to be naturally outgoing,[;] you can be a very charismatic introvert.
Through charisma training you will learn how to adopt a charismatic posture, how to warm up your eye contact, and how to modulate your voice in ways that make people pay attention.
Charisma is a skill that can also be developed through conscious practice,
Presence means paying attention to what’s going on rather than being caught up in your own thoughts.
Being charismatic does not depend on how much time you have but on how fully present you are in each interaction.
Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor.
willing to impact our world in a positive way.
Someone who possesses warmth without power can be likable, but isn’t necessarily perceived as charismatic and can come across as overeager, subservient, or desperate to please.
make whomever [you are] speaking with feel intelligent and fascinating.
Projecting presence, power, and warmth through your body language is often all you need to be perceived as charismatic.
What Your Mind Believes, Your Body Manifests
most of us tend to interpret events—whether they’re personal or impersonal—as relating to us.
Our inability to tolerate uncertainty carries multiple costs. It can cause us to make premature decisions.
Anxiety is a serious drawback to charisma.
Anxiety, low presence, and low confidence can show up directly in our body language, as well as reduce our ability to emanate warmth.
It’s worth learning how to handle uncertainty, not just because it increases charisma but also because the ability to be comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity turns out to be one of the strongest predictors of success in business.
Human beings are by nature driven to compare.
The very act of comparing and evaluating hinders our ability to be fully present.
Because our brain doesn’t distinguish between imagination and reality, these internal attacks are perceived by our mind just as a real, physical attack would be,
Self-criticism is one of the most common obstacles to great performance in any field.
Of course, some degree of self-doubt can be helpful in spurring us to action.
Knowing how to handle the impostor syndrome and the inner critic is essential to unleashing your charisma potential.
Skillfully handling any difficult experience is a three-step process: destigmatize discomfort, neutralize negativity, and rewrite reality.
Rather than seeing it as one big emotion felt by one person, see a community of people struggling with it—one difficult burden shared by many.
shame is the real killer. Of all the emotions that human beings can feel, it is one of the most toxic to health and happiness.
One of the main reasons we’re so affected by our negative thoughts is that we think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid. This, however, is a fallacy.
Because trying to suppress a self-critical thought only makes it more central to your thinking, it’s a far better strategy to simply aim to neutralize it.
Deciding to change your belief about what happened (technically called cognitive reappraisal) effectively decreases the brain’s stress levels.
Techniques. One charismatic entrepreneur told me: “I decide to interpret everything favorably toward myself. It’s not just that I’m optimistic, I’m actually conveniently deluded.”
Deception may not be necessary for the placebo effect to take hold; it may work its wonders even when people know full well that they’re taking a placebo.
Writing accesses different parts of our brain and affects our beliefs in ways that other modes of expression do not. The act of committing things to writing has been shown to be critical both in changing a person’s mind and in making imagined stories feel more real.
Professional negotiators tell me that they could accurately predict the outcome of negotiations fairly early on using one simple clue: whoever has less endurance for silence loses.
Talk to strangers
“There is good evidence that imagining oneself performing an activity activates parts of the brain that are used in actually performing the activity,” Professor Stephen Kosslyn, director of Stanford’s Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences,
Due to the fact that people tend to accept whatever you project, if you seem inspired, they will assume you have something
One of the reasons that the Dalai Lama has such a powerful effect on people is his ability to radiate both tremendous warmth and complete acceptance.
Colin Powell and the Dalai Lama embody authority charisma, but so did Stalin and Mussolini. The human reaction to authority runs deep; it’s hardwired into our brains.
not necessarily likable.
If a low-status person is eager to please us, we may find this pleasant, but we don’t necessarily value their eagerness very highly. After all, they can’t do much for us; it’s rather we who can do things for them. On the other hand, if a high-status alpha grants us attention and warmth, we’re thrilled, because they can move mountains.
As the MIT Media Lab studies showed, what impacts people isn’t the words or content used. Rather, they remember how it felt to be speaking with you.
attentive listening, refraining from interrupting, and deliberate pausing.
Even if the other person is doing all the talking, you can’t let your mind wander while waiting for your turn to speak.
Presence is a cornerstone of effective listening.
pause before [you] answer.
let your facial expression react first,
people will associate you with whatever feelings you produce in them on a consistent basis.
Dale Carnegie said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming truly interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
Don’t try to impress people. Let them impress you, and they will love you for it.
You just need to make them feel smart.
When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.”
[The] longer you speak, the higher the price you’re making them pay,
strive to make your communications useful, enjoyable, and even entertaining.
Make people feel good, especially about themselves.
Being charismatic means making others feel comfortable, at ease, and good about themselves when they are around us.
“Powerful people sit sideways on chairs, drape their arms over the back, or appropriate two chairs by placing an arm across the back of an adjacent chair.
ask them for something they can give without incurring any cost: their opinion.
Asking for someone’s opinion is a better strategy than asking for their advice, because giving advice feels like more effort, as they have to tailor
Compliments are those that are both personal and specific.
Avoid making other people feel wrong.
When people feel that you have their best interests at heart, it can change the dynamic entirely.