Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone Mark Goulston M.D. and Keith Ferrazzi

Your brain has three layers that evolved over millions of years: a primitive reptile layer, a more evolved mammal layer, and a final primate layer. They all interconnect, but in effect they often act like three different brains—and they're often at war with each other. Here's how each of your three brains behaves:

'fight-or-flight' part of your brain.

The middle mammal brain is the seat of your emotions.

The upper or primate brain is like Star Trek's Mr. Spock:

To reach someone, you need to talk to the human upper brain—not the snake brain or the rat brain. You're in trouble if you're trying to gain buy-in from someone who's feeling angry, defiant, upset, or threatened because, in these situations, the person's higher brain isn't calling the shots. If you're talking to a boss, a customer, a spouse, or a child whose lower brain or midbrain is in control, you're talking to a cornered snake or, at best, a hysterical rabbit. In this situation, your success hinges entirely on talking the person up from reptile to mammal to human amygdala hijack—a term first coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, the originator of the concept of emotional intelligence.

Your ability to reason drops drastically, your working memory falters, and stress hormones flood your system.

Goleman no doubt was keen on this concept because when you undergo an amygdala hijack, your emotional intelligence goes out the window.

Humans, just like macaques, have neurons that act as mirrors. In fact, studies suggest that these remarkable cells may form the basis for human empathy. That's because, in effect, they transport us into another person's mind, briefly making us feel what the person is feeling. In a article titled "The Neurology of Self-Awareness" in Edge, V. S. Ramachandran, a pioneer in mirror neuron research, commented, "I call these ‘empathy neurons,' or ‘Dalai Lama neurons,' for they are dissolving the barrier between self and others."

Many of the people I work with—from CEOs and managers to unhappy spouses to clinically depressed patients—feel that they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility, or (possibly worst of all) no response at all. In my belief, this deficit explains why we feel so overwhelmed when someone acknowledges either our pain or our triumphs.

Understanding a person's hunger and responding to it is one of the most potent tools you'll ever discover for getting through to anyone you meet in business or your personal life.

put words to what you're feeling at each stage.

Matthew Lieberman at UCLA shows that when people put words to their emotions—"afraid," "angry"—the amygdala, that little biological threat sensor that can throw the brain into animal mode, cools down almost instantly.

So surprisingly, now is not the time to lie to yourself and say, "I'm cool, I'm calm, it's fine." It's actually the time to say to yourself (at least at first): "Oh f#@&" or "I'm scared as hell."

Open your own mind first.

But if your relationship with another person looks like it's going nowhere, making that person "feel felt" is your best bet for achieving a breakthrough.

Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feeling, such as "frustrated," "angry," or "afraid." . Say, "I'm trying to get a sense of what you're feeling and I think it's—————. . ." and fill in an emotion. "Is that correct? If it's not, then what are you feeling?" Wait for the person to agree or correct you. . Then say, "How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?" Give the person time to respond. Be prepared, at least initially, for a torrent of emotions—especially if the person you're talking with is holding years of pent-up frustration, anger, or fear inside. This is not the time to fight back, or air your own grievances. . Next, say, "And the reason you're so frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) is because. . . ?" Again, let the person vent. . Then say, "Tell me—what needs to happen for that feeling to feel better?" . Next, say, "What part can I play in making that happen? What part can you play in making that happen?"

If you want to have an interesting dinner conversation, be interested. The way to truly win friends and influence the best people is to be more interested in listening to them than you are in impressing them. The more you want to influence and get through to discerning and successful people, the more sincere your interest in them needs to be. Let the other person fully develop an interesting story, rather than trying to trump that story.

People love offering advice, because it makes them feel both interesting and wise.

People need to feel valuable. Find ways to tell them that they make your world happier, funnier, more secure, less stressed, more entertaining, less scary, or just all-around better. One thing most of these high-maintenance, easy-to-upset, difficult-to-please people have in common is that they feel as if the world isn't treating them well enough.

Subordinates who want to complain often don't have solutions to their problems, so when you set that as a condition for continuing a later conversation—a perfectly reasonable request—they often choose to drop the issue.

The good people in your life need and deserve reassurance that they're valued—and the annoying people in your life may not deserve it, but they need it even more.

The best thing to do when someone is venting, whining, or complaining is to avoid interrupting.

After he vents, you'll both be exhausted. This is not to be confused with a relaxed state. The difference between exhausted and relaxed is that when you're exhausted, you feel empty and tired and you're not open to input. At this point, it may appear that it's your turn to talk—but it's not. Talking right now is the rookie mistake that most people make. "Tell me more."

People behave their worst when they feel most powerless.

The person will mirror the attitude you're using to mask your distress.

If you're using anger to cover up fear, you'll get anger in return.

"words respond to words, but actions respond to counter-actions"

When a bully tries to intimidate you by verbally attacking you, do this. Make eye contact. Act perfectly polite but ever-so-slightly bored, as if your mind is elsewhere. Let your body language transmit the same message: Stand up straight, be relaxed, and cock your head as if you're listening but not very hard.

YOU: What's something that would be impossible to do, but if you could do it, would dramatically increase your success? OTHER PERSON: If I could just do ____ , but that's impossible. YOU: Okay. What would make it possible?

"I believe this is impossible." Thinking and saying that shifts their minds into a positive (agreeing) movement toward you.

By setting into motion a cascade of "yes" coming from the other person ("Yes, you're right, my life is a mess, and I can't take it anymore"), you shift the person's attitude from disagreement to agreement. Once you establish that rapport, the person is emotionally primed to cooperate instead of punch back.

Empathy is a sensory experience; that is, it activates the sensory part of your nervous system, including the mirror neurons we've talked about. Anger, on the other hand, is a motor action—usually a reaction to some perceived hurt or injury by another person.

So when you shift a blamer into empathy, you stop the person's angry ranting dead in its tracks.

But do the unexpected by apologizing yourself, and something very different occurs: you shift a person instantly out of defensive mode and cause the individual to mirror your humility and concern.

An ounce of apology is worth a pound of resentment and a ton of "acting out by underperforming."

When people go on the attack it's usually because they feel (rightly or wrongly) that they've been treated poorly. That's especially true if you're dealing with angry and frustrated customers. Becoming defensive or counterattacking simply reinforces the idea that you think these people are wrong and unimportant (and stupid), which amplifies their mirror neuron receptor deficit and fuels their fire. Move a person from hostility to mild confusion and already you've moved one step in the right direction.

Conceal a flaw, and the world will imagine the worst. MARCUS VALERIUS MARTIAL, ROMAN POET

If you're familiar with courtroom procedures, you know that lawyers do something they call "stipulation." It means they agree up-front on something. When you stipulate to a potential problem or flaw, do it in a confident and unselfconscious way.

The key to crafting a transformational question is simple: Ask yourself, "What single question will show this person that I'm interested in his or her ideas, interests, future success, or life?"

Just to make sure I get off on the right foot—what are three things you'd like me to always do, and three things you'd like me to never do?

One great thing about the "eyes-to-the-sky" technique is that you can use it to reach even the most difficult person you communicate with: yourself.

Questioning works better than telling.

The Side-by-Side approach is simple: join the other person in an activity (preferably one in which you can be helpful—but even eating lunch together is good), and then ask questions designed to gain insight into what the person is doing, thinking, and feeling.

When you get people to lower their guard, don't violate their trust. Resist the urge to explain why you're right. Instead, deepen the conversation by asking another question. The more we allow people to have their feelings and become sad or angry, the quicker it passes. "You're thinking of hiring someone like me because you want to _______________," The secret to this is to invite these people into a conversation rather than asking questions that put them on the defensive—and that's where the fill-in-the-blanks approach comes from. But the real force of the fill-in-the-blanks technique lies in the simple fact that you don't tell people what they want or even ask them what they want. Instead, you get them to tell you what they want. "What question did I fail to ask, or what problem did I fail to address, that—if I had—would have caused you to give me a different answer?" The great thing about this approach is that the client feels in control—and is in control—the entire time. You're not whining or browbeating or otherwise trying to overpower the person; instead, you're letting the person freely offer the information you need to make a power play.

Until someone says "no" to you, you're not asking for enough.

Thank the person for something specific: Acknowledge the effort it took. Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you. When you're doing this, allow the other person to vent and don't become defensive even if the person is over the top. When you encourage people who are furious to get their anger off their chests, it speeds the healing process.

[How to apologize ] Demonstrate through your actions that you've learned your lesson. Requesting forgiveness: Don't do this immediately, because actions speak louder than words. To truly earn forgiveness, you need to sustain your corrective actions until they become part of who you are.

Focus on "What's in it for them?" and reciprocators will sooner or later ask, "What can I do for you?"

Don't find fault. Find a remedy. —HENRY FORD, INVENTOR