The New Science of Narcissism: Understanding One of the Greatest Psychological Challenges of Our Time—and What You Can Do About It
Preface Page xi When you encounter someone with narcissistic tendencies, it's a mixed bag. As a trait, it's not good, and it's not bad, but as a disorder, it can be horrific. Part I: defining narcissism today
> Page 6 At its core, narcissim is about self-importance, antagonism, and a sense of entitlement. Narcissists believe they matter more than other people and deserve to be treated that way. > Page 6 The first individual is what we call a grandiose narcissist. These are ambitious, driven, and charming individuals. They have high self- esteem and generally feel good about themselves. These are the narcissists you will see most often in your life: you work for them, date them, and are entertained by them. You are often drawn to their boldness but are later repelled by their self- centeredness and lack of empathy. > Page 6 [There are also] vulnerable narcissist[s]. These people are introverted, depressed, and easily hurt by criticism. They report having low self- esteem, but despite that, they see themselves as deserving of special treatment. > Page 7 Although we technically don't define the narcissism types on a spectrum, it can be helpful to think about it that way. > Page 9 What we find is that grandiose narcissists become reactive in the face of a threat. In addition, they don't typically feel sad or depressed, but instead, aggressive and angry. They lash out at those they believe are criticizing them or treating them unfairly. > Page 10 the Trifurcated Model of Narcissism, connects grandiose and vulnerable narcissism as two related but separate traits. Both share a core of disagreeableness, self- importance, and a sense of entitlement, but they differ a great deal on what additional traits they blend with that core. With grandiose narcissism, you see confidence, boldness, and self- esteem, but with vulnerable narcissism, you see low confidence, anxiety, and low self- esteem. Chapter 2: Measuring Narcissism
> Page 39 Personalities differ quantitatively rather than qualitatively. Few, if any, personality "types" exist in a pure form. Instead, traits fall on a spectrum. Chapter 3: Basic Traits and the Narcissism Recipe
> Page 46 Language evolved to capture these personality traits. If people needed a specific way to describe someone, say, as humble or eccentric, they figured out how to do it. ... Antagonism includes a sense of superiority to others and a sense of entitlement, which means a person's needs matter more than those of others. > Page 50 Agreeableness, conscientiousness, and low neuroticism hang together as one meta-trait, called stability or alpha. ... Extraversion and openness hang together as a second meta-trait, called plasticity or beta. ... Plasticity is energizing and creating. ... People who score high in plasticity build social networks, idea systems, art, fantasy, and organizations. > Page 51 Stability solidifies and slows change. People high on the stability scale do this by getting along with others, following rules and tradition, and remaining calm. ... Yin and yang, Shakti and Shiva, love and strife. > Page 52 Extraversion splits into enthusiasm and assertiveness. ... People are drawn to enthusiasm, or a high-positive-energy personality ... People are moved by assertiveness, or the idea of pushing themselves, goals, or an agenda. ... Narcissism correlates with both aspects of extraversion but especially the assertiveness side. ... A complex personality trait such as narcissism is made up of numerous specific traits and patterns of behavior, which can sometimes seem unrelated. > Page 53 In Big Five terms, the core ingredient of narcissism, which is the main ingredient considered necessary to make narcissism, is low agreeableness or high antagonism. Antagonism is where we find narcissists' sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, manipulativeness, and belief in their superiority. This core antagonism has been called entitled self-importance or darkness. Some of the psychodynamic folks use the term malignant narcissism to describe cases where the amount of antagonism is especially high in the narcissism recipe. > Page 53 For grandiose narcissism, a second crucial ingredient is extraversion, which includes sociability, boldness, and drive. > Page 54 In vulnerable narcissism, on the other hand, the recipe mixes the core component of antagonism with high levels of neuroticism, which brings in insecurity, anxiety, depression, and hypersensitivity. From this perspective, a vulnerable narcissist is essentially someone who is self-important, self-centered, and entitled but also insecure, depressed, and self-conscious. > Page 55 if the recipe combines low agreeableness with extraversion and neuroticism, the result is a blend of grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. These people are outgoing and driven but also thin-skinned in private or when caught off guard around others. As will be explained in chapter 5, this mixture makes up narcissistic personality disorder. > Page 55 Narcissists share key ingredients, but these can manifest in many ways. > Page 55 the recipe is not the same as the dish. > Page 60 Even while engaged in acts of friendship, philanthropy, and giving back, narcissists are in it for the esteem and the status they gain from doing good deeds. Called communal narcissism, the idea is that people can be self-centered about communal traits, thinking of themselves as the greatest friend ever or the best volunteer ever. > Page 61 the sixth factor: honesty-humility. > Page 61 deceit without hostility, > Page 61 such as social adroitness and self-monitoring. > Page 62 Similar to the Big Five model, they found that the darker traits lined up with low honesty-humility, low emotionality, low agreeableness, and low conscientiousness, with low honesty-humility having the largest impact.5 Chapter 4: Narcissists' Goals and Motives
> Page 64 With grandiose narcissism, people build and enhance themselves, and with vulnerable narcissism, people protect themselves. In either case, narcissists prioritize self before others. > Page 65 For instance, grandiose narcissists focus on looking good, so they constantly hunt for opportunities to shine. Vulnerable narcissists focus on not looking bad, so they scan the environment for potential ego threats. The result in both cases is a life filled with course correction. Narcissists constantly search for short-term opportunities to look good or avoid feeling bad. > Page 66 Grandiose narcissists, in particular, are approach- oriented and sometimes seen as predatory. For example, a grandiose narcissist might ask ten people on a date to get one to say "yes." In the natural world, hiding failure can be difficult. That's why big wave surfers are often humble. In the social world, however, it is easier. The research shows that grandiose narcissistic motivation is related to learning through rewards to their ego. > Page 66 On the other hand, vulnerable narcissists are particularly avoidance-oriented and often suspicious, fearful, and mistrustful. The world is seen as predatory. The vulnerable narcissist protects the self from that and fights for the recognition that is owed. Most of this fighting is mental and emotional because vulnerable narcissists are often too fearful to confront people directly. In the research, these narcissists report being angry but not particularly aggressive. > Page 67 Approach-oriented individuals are optimistic, energized, and focused on rewards. At the trait level, they are most commonly extraverted, and they have somewhat inflated views of their abilities. > Page 67 Avoidance-oriented individuals are more pessimistic. They are anxious and focused on avoiding threats. At the trait level, this lines up with neuroticism, and they tend to have lower self-esteem. People who are focused on not losing often have more accurate views of their abilities yet overestimate their chances of losing. > Page 68 Beyond approach versus avoidance, researchers who study motivation also break goals into two major types: extrinsic, which comes from the external, and intrinsic, which arises from the internal. Extrinsic goals deal with public acclaim and power and show the strongest relationship with grandiose narcissism. Intrinsic goals, such as the motivation to increase personal joy, growth, or empathy, are not associated with narcissism. Remember that the main goal of narcissism is to elevate the ego. The extrinsic goals of public acclaim, status, power, and sexual conquest -- which I call the three S's: sex, status, and stuff -- are tools designed to elevate the narcissistic ego. > Page 69 "Status" is also related to social position. Narcissists want to be admired and dominate others. They want to be at the top of the social hierarchy, whether as a leader in an organization or as a trendsetter and sophisticated insider. In this case, leadership is about status, influence, and the title, not helping the organization. > Page 69 Similarly, vulnerable narcissism deals with extrinsic motivators, though the main goal is to protect the ego rather than enhance it. For instance, vulnerable individuals don't want to be seen as stupid, tend to make excuses for failure, and believe others are jealous of them or out to get them. They live their lives in their heads, where it's easy to make excuses and hide failures. Instead of taking actions toward a leadership position or "trophy" spouse relationship, they may rely on fantasies of power, aggression, and desirability. > Page 70 High self-esteem signals belongingness to a group, and low self-esteem signals separation or distance. > Page 71 Since narcissistic self-regulation deals with keeping self-esteem elevated and protected, narcissists specifically target extrinsic goals, which are somewhat like spiritual corn syrup. Achieving the goal or status feels great, but it doesn't last. > Page 73 Chasing sex, status, and stuff in the interest of building one's ego presents a couple of major problems. The first is the fading goal problem. ... The second big problem with narcissistic self-regulation is the willing accomplice problem. If a grandiose narcissist wants to believe she is better than everyone, she has to convince others to praise her, find an attractive romantic partner, and dominate people publicly. > Page 74 Narcissists "fake it till they make it." They self-promote, brag, name-drop, and exaggerate their importance. People believe them, and that bluff becomes a reality. > Page 74 The third issue is the reality principle problem. Under the basic principle of congruence, the psyche works best when perception matches or comes close to reality. When perception and reality are extremely mismatched, people develop delusional disorders such as paranoid schizophrenia. > Page 76 The self-serving bias, or the tendency for people to attribute positive outcomes to their own actions but negative outcomes to other people or external factors. ... We found that narcissistic individuals tended to self-enhance or give themselves credit, and non-narcissists showed more flexibility in self-enhancement. Chapter 5: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
> Page 79 The current popular use of narcissist in everyday conversation highlights the biggest misconception out there -- that narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are the same. > Page 80 Overall, personality disorders seem to be extreme forms of normal personality rather than a unique personality configuration or trait. > Page 82 When personalities aren't normal or flexible, personality disorders may develop, which can be described clinically as extreme and inflexible personality traits. ... To be diagnosed with a personality disorder, people with extreme or inflexible personality traits must also experience significant negative consequences in life, or what clinicians call impairments. ... impairment can be defined as the suffering of others around the narcissist. > Page 84 [T]he essential feature of narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts. > Page 84 Narcissists are fragile, and they can be hurt easily by any information that challenges their inflated self-image. > Page 85 Without the grandiosity, narcissism looks like antisocial personality disorder, and with a high degree of vulnerability, it looks like borderline personality disorder. > Page 86 Manic episodes can create the confidence, energy, and grandiosity of narcissism, but in this case, they're typically not driven by antagonism and attention-seeking. Someone with hypomania may want to achieve a lofty goal like building the tallest structure in the world but not want to put his name on it. Plus, manic episodes tend to be cyclical, either coming and going or moving between the two extremes of what used to be called manic depression but is now classified as a variation of bipolar disorder. Grandiose narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder doesn't cycle, and it directly deals with self-enhancement. > Page 87 if someone has enough status and power and can get away with a large amount of narcissism, it may not be clinically impairing, even if it is extreme. > Page 89 In studies, narcissism is most associated with distress to significant others. ... A narcissist's selfish and manipulative behavior often makes friends, family members, and coworkers feel resentful or threatened, and in turn, they dread interacting with the narcissist. They also report feeling devalued and criticized by the narcissist. > Page 91 Cluster A is the odd or eccentric cluster, where personality disorders characterized by weird and unusual behavior or thinking exist. ... Cluster B disorders are characterized by emotionally erratic, unstable, and dramatic characteristics. > Page 92 Narcissistic personality disorder is a member of Cluster B, along with antisocial personality disorder, which has some antagonism and a large amount of impulsivity, and histrionic personality disorder, which includes high drama and attention-seeking. > Page 92 Cluster C personality disorders are primarily associated with anxiety and worry. Avoidant personality disorder is, as the name suggests, a clinical level of avoiding social interaction or social contact with people. > Page 95 By the 1980s, however, researchers studying traits such as narcissism began to transition from this medical model to a personality model. At that time, researchers Paul Costa and Robert McCrae published work about personality disorders and the Big Five. Through several studies, they compared personality scales that used the five-factor model with personality disorder scales and found that the five-factor model encompasses both normal and abnormal personality. Moving forward, professionals began integrating traditional personality trait models into psychiatric conceptions of disorder. Pair this with the economic element that it's much less expensive to find and research normal people than clinical samples of people with abnormal traits, and research exploded on the normal trait approach. Chapter 6: Narcissism's Cousins: The Four Triads
> Page 98 The term Dark Triad might come across as "bad" or "evil," but in psychology, dark tends to describe antagonism. ... Coined in 2002 by psychologist Del Paulhus and his research team in British Columbia, Canada, the Dark Triad contains three traits that share a "dark core" of low agreeableness and a lack of empathy: grandiose narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. > Page 99 Machiavellians are often callous and highly manipulative, believing that the importance of their aims justifies even immoral means. In real life, though, Machiavellians of this level are hard to find. Many wannabe Machiavellians think they are highly manipulative and clever, but they actually look and act like impulsive psychopaths. > Page 100 Sadism centers around low agreeableness. Unlike narcissists who want to harm people for an ego boost but otherwise wouldn't, sadists take pleasure in harming people and other creatures. > Page 100 When sadism mixes with narcissism, however, which combines egotism and the desire to cause pain in others, it creates a dangerous combination called malignant narcissism. > Page 101 Narcissism isn't always related to criminal acts, and not all criminal acts contain narcissism. There are many reasons people may commit a crime, and those that are related to narcissism tend to be selfish. White collar crimes related to narcissism, for example, often stem from a need to enhance the self and continue a lifestyle the narcissist wants to maintain. > Page 102 Members of the Vulnerable Dark Triad see the world as threatening and hostile, and they have challenges with trust and mood regulation, especially hostility and anxiety. > Page 103 Factor II psychopathy is less well known and represents an extremely impulsive and emotional version of psychopathy. Imagine a twenty-two-year-old male who is hostile and exploitative but not ambitious or ego-driven. This is a marginally employed, legally spotty individual who survives largely by taking advantage of other people. > Page 104 The Light Triad is not a reverse-scored version of the Dark Triad. Instead, the goal was to step back and create a model of positive traits. ... The first, faith in humanity, captures the belief that people are generally good and worthy of trust. Someone who has high faith in humanity will enter most situations with the expectation that others are well intentioned and reasonable. ... The next factor, humanism, celebrates the best in humanity. This means appreciating the successes and creations of others, which might be seen in great art or great social achievements such as a reduction in maternal mortality. The third factor, Kantianism, is named for the philosopher Immanuel Kant and suggests a preference for integrity and honesty over charade, charm, or manipulativeness. ... Since the scale is brand-new, little research backs it up, but it is promising because it captures an active form of lightness. Researchers have debated for decades what the opposite of narcissism might be, particularly when it comes to humility or submission. In general, humility is seen as a positive trait in successful people, and submissiveness is seen as a negative in Western societies that praise individualism and freedom or a positive in relation to service-oriented behavior. > Page 106 Grandiose narcissism mixes this core energy with antagonism, but if antagonism is removed and self-esteem is added, it results in boldness, or what academics call fearless dominance. Boldness sounds healthier than grandiose narcissism, and it seems to be at the individual level. > Page 107 Hypomanic extraversion and drive can look like grandiosity because, in a way, it is a form of grandiosity. > Page 107 The difference between this and grandiosity is that hypomania isn't concerned with taking others down or beating them. Chapter 7: Relationships and Narcissism
> Page 114 Over time, research on narcissism in relationships has flourished, and the most recent research has found that narcissists are pretty great dates at first. The traits that make people attractive to date are different from the traits that make people caring and committed partners. In general, humans often look for confidence and an outgoing personality, which can be elements of narcissism. Nobody lines up to get into a relationship with a narcissist, and nobody includes "in search of a self-absorbed jerk" on dating apps. In most cases, we don't like self-centered people once we get to know them. At the beginning, though, many of us are attracted to narcissistic qualities in partners until they have problems with commitment and mutual respect. > Page 114 The process of narcissistic self-enhancement or self-regulation, using other people to maintain the narcissist's positive self-image, make relationships work to the narcissist's advantage. ... At its core, a high level of antagonism exists that can reveal itself in different ways, including as dominance, superiority, and arrogance. This might involve bragging, showing off, or entitlement. > Page 116 A narcissist wants a relationship with someone who can boost self-esteem through high status, physical attraction, or money. ... The narcissist's partner is a tool for inflating the narcissist's ego. ... In reality, narcissists want to be loved, but they're not as interested in loving back or reciprocal emotional support. To get what they want out of relationships, narcissists use four strategies to meet their needs, > Page 118 Narcissists are attracted to people who admire them and less attracted to those who want emotional intimacy. ... People who are narcissistic tend to have partners who are also a little narcissistic. ... The second strategy for finding status or esteem in relationships is admiration. ... Again, most humans seek admiration, but it's particularly true for narcissists, and it can happen in a variety of ways. > Page 119 Another strategy for esteem, albeit more negative, is domination. This can come across as bullying or even abuse and can translate into physical, emotional, or mental domination. > Page 120 narcissists overestimated their performance, and when they watched it on videotape, their self-admiration increased even more. Grandiose people, in particular, are more likely to rate their attractiveness higher on a scale by a point or two. > Page 120 While most people overestimate, narcissists do so even more. > Page 121 Narcissism and attractiveness were found to be related. > Page 121 Personality scientists developed another explanation related to self-regulation, which posed that narcissists put more effort into their looks since they care about appearance, and that seems to accurately reflect what's happening. > Page 122 Their appearance is flashy and intriguing -- think of colorful dresses and charming facial expressions. They come across as engaged and likable, not grumpy. Their body movements are also more self- assured, so their posture is straighter, and they have more dominant body language, so they exhibit more expansive body gestures. It makes sense that someone who is well- groomed, poised, and energetic is attractive. > Page 123 What doesn't show initially is the antagonism and neuroticism, which won't make an appearance until the relationship progresses. ... Narcissists are built for shallow, lukewarm, and extraverted relationships. ... They can leave one relationship or friendship group and move to the next easily, but they often leave others emotionally drained. With family, the challenges are much tougher. It is hard to leave family and move on, and narcissistic family members often can charm and manipulate others outside (and even inside) the family, which can lead to exhaustion and strained relationships. > Page 124 The similarity-attraction hypothesis suggests that people like others who share similar political, religious, and value beliefs, which makes relationships easier. People with the same beliefs tend to get along and have discussions without conflict. In the case of narcissism, similar attitudes about materialism, public displays of worth, and showing off could be mutually admired. Extraversion and confidence likely bring narcissistic people together as well. > Page 127 The final downside to narcissism in relationships is neuroticism, which comes out as neediness and relational insecurity. Studies show that vulnerable narcissism, in particular, is associated with insecure attachment styles, and vulnerable narcissists tend to need a partner who reassures them, makes them feel accepted, or ensures that they are connected in the relationship. Chapter 8: Leadership and Narcissism
> Page 142 Pride can be expressed through dominance, which focuses on being better than someone else, or prestige, which looks for an internal surge of well-being. > Page 144 Context matters a great deal for narcissistic leadership effectiveness as well. When times are good, and when things are stable and working the way they should, there is no demand for narcissistic leadership. People in those situations want a good king, a competent manager, or a jovial boss who keeps the ship sailing. However, when things become chaotic and unstable, when people feel that the economy or their life doesn't make sense, or when things feel out of control, people gravitate toward narcissistic leaders who make promises of stability, confidence, and direction, whether or not they can actually provide it. > Page 150 Classic Machiavellians might be able to navigate a web of social power, so it likely depends on the network and those who are employed. Studies show that even organizations themselves can be narcissistic, with the culture focused on power, success, and devotion, which can create an imbalance in workers' lives to achieve corporate demands at the expense of employees. hapter 9: Social Media and Narcissism
> Page 161 Research from the past decade tells us that social media is used by narcissistic individuals in self-promoting and self-enhancing ways. The evidence for this is strong and varied. > Page 161 My best guess is that using social media does not turn people into grandiose narcissists. To the contrary, I now think that social media is actually leading to increased insecurity in people. ... social media use predicts less happiness. Chapter 11: Using Narcissism Strategically
> Page 188 The lesson here is that when you're looking for benefits from narcissism, consider what's necessary for short-term success -- winning an individual competition, getting a job, finding a date, or performing in public. The use of narcissism needs to be strategic, so it's limited to the context where it actually helps > Page 193 Agreeable men and women earned less -- to the tune of $5,000 per year at that time -- than the "disagreeable men" who were aggressive and confirmed conventional gender roles. ... In fact, the agreeableness-income relationship was surprisingly negative for agreeable men, who earned an average of $7,000 less than disagreeable men. Agreeableness affected future income as well. Part of this, they found, was explained by the value that disagreeable men placed on high earnings rather than relationships. Chapter 12: Reducing Another's Narcissism
> Page 200 agentic extraversion, and the drive that comes with it, is one of the most attractive features of narcissism. It captures confidence and social boldness, as well as the ability to achieve goals, ascend to leadership, and achieve other positive outcomes. > Page 201 it's important to remember that even antagonism has some benefits. It's useful for rule breaking. It's useful for demanding more pay. It's useful for being aggressive in sports. There are times when people need to break through a system to make change, and aggressiveness is important for that. > Page 201 However, aggressiveness also has a dark side. Antagonism is linked to emotional and physical abuse, cheating, numerous antisocial behaviors, rape, sexual assault, and partner abuse. > Page 204 Neurotic people are hard to be around because they need more support, have negative thoughts about the present and the future, see more threat in the environment, and are hard to comfort. ... When we think of neuroticism, we typically talk about sadness and depression, which is internalizing, but hostility leads to anger, which is externalizing.