The Like Switch: How to Turn People On to You

Introduction:
  • Location 39 It turns out that the same social skills I developed to befriend and recruit spies are equally effective in developing successful friendships at home, at work, or anywhere else that personal interactions take place.

    Chapter 1. The Friendship Formula

  • Page 2 Increasing his eye contact, raising his eyebrows, tilting his head, and jutting out his chin, which are all nonverbal signs that scientists have discovered are interpreted by the human brain as "friend signals."
  • Page 4 The Friendship Formula consists of the four basic building blocks: proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity. These four elements can be expressed using the following mathematical formula: Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity ... Page 4 Proximity is the distance between you and another individual and your exposure to that individual over time. ... The key to the power of proximity is that it must take place in a nonthreatening environment. .... "fight or flight" response. Frequency is the number of contacts you have with another individual over time and Duration is the length of time you spend with another individual over time. ... Intensity is how strongly you are able to satisfy another person's psychological and/ or physical needs through the use of verbal and nonverbal behaviors. ... If the new stimulus is judged to be a threat, the person will attempt to eliminate or neutralize it by employing the fight or flight response. If, on the other hand, the new stimulus is not perceived as a threat, then it becomes the object of curiosity.
  • Page 7 Duration has a unique quality in that the more time you spend with a person, the more influence they have over your thoughts and actions.
  • Page 7 Duration shares an inverse relationship with frequency. If you see a friend frequently, then the duration of the encounter will be shorter.
  • Page 9 You can also extricate yourself from unwanted relationships by slowly decreasing each of the basic elements of the Friendship Formula.
  • Page 10 establishing "common ground" was the quickest way to develop rapport.
  • Page 14 To effectively use the Friendship Formula, you have to keep in mind what kind of relationship you are looking to establish and the time you will be required to spend with your person of interest.

    Chapter 2. Getting Noticed Before a Word Is Spoken

  • Page 25 They are the "eyebrow flash,""head tilt," and the real, as opposed to fake, "smile" (yes, the human brain can detect the difference!).
  • Page 26 As individuals approach one another they eyebrow-flash each other to send the message they don't pose a threat. Within five to six feet of meeting someone, our brains look for this signal. If the signal is present and we reciprocate, our nonverbal communication is telling the other person we are not a foe to be feared or avoided.
  • Page 26 The second time people see each other, they don't have to say anything, but they do exchange eyebrow flashes, or in the case of males, display chin juts.
  • Page 29 A head tilt to the right or to the left is a nonthreatening gesture. The tilted head exposes one of the carotid arteries, which are positioned on either side of the neck.
  • Page 29 People who feel threatened protect their carotid arteries by tucking their neck into their shoulders.
  • Page 29 A head tilt is a strong friend signal. People who tilt their heads when they interact with others are seen as more trustworthy and more attractive.
  • Page 31 A smile is a powerful "friend" signal. Smiling faces are judged to be more attractive, more likable, and less dominant.
  • Page 31 There is the "real" or "genuine" smile and then there is the "fake" or "forced" smile.
  • Page 34 Women in particular often use smiles to regulate the initiation of first encounters and to set the pace of the subsequent personal interactions.
  • Page 34 Learning how to produce a "real" smile at will, particularly when you don't feel in the mood to display it, takes practice.
  • Page 35 Extended eye gaze is a powerful rapport builder. This nonverbal behavior should not be confused with staring. Typically, when you make contact with another person, your eyes lock for a second or less and then you break eye contact.
  • Page 35 After you make eye contact with your person of interest, hold your gaze for one second and then slowly turn your head, holding your gaze for another second or two. The person you are looking at will see your head turning away, giving the illusion of broken eye contact, and your actions will not be perceived as staring.
  • Page 37 I offered him a cup of coffee, for two reasons. First, I wanted to tap into the psychological principle of reciprocity. When people receive things, even trivial things, they feel a need to reciprocate. In exchange for coffee I wanted consent.
  • Page 39 Polite requests for help or directions, for example, produce more positive results when accompanied by a light touch on the arm.
  • Page 39 But proceed cautiously:
  • Page 40 Isopraxism is the fancy term for "mirroring," a nonverbal practice that can be used to make friendship development easier and more effective.
  • Page 40 When you first meet someone and want to gain their friendship, make a conscious effort to mirror their body language.
  • Page 41 To practice the mirroring technique, change your stance or posture. Within a short period of time, other members of the group will mirror your posture.
  • Page 42 People tend to lean toward individuals they like and distance themselves from people they don't like.
  • Page 42 People tilt their heads slightly backward to increase distance from another person, which signals that relationship building is not going well.
  • Page 42 turn their torsos away
  • Page 42 reposition their feet away from unwanted visitors.
  • Page 44 The amount and intensity of gestures people use vary from one culture to another and even within cultures.
  • Page 45 Nonetheless, people who like one another tend to display more expressive gestures.
  • Page 45 One way we signal to a speaker that we are engaged with them and that they should continue is with a head nod.
  • Page 46 Don't let distractions interrupt your attentive listening to the speaker. You want to send the message that what the speaker is saying is important to you.
  • Page 46 Just because your cell is ringing doesn't mean you are obligated to answer it.
  • Page 49 The problem is (as the student with the "urban scowl" discovered) we are not always aware we are sending out foe signals, oftentimes because we don't realize what they are.
  • Page 50 gazing that continues beyond a second is often perceived as aggression,
  • Page 50 Elevator eyes consist of a sweeping head-to-toe gaze. As a nonverbal gesture, it is highly offensive in fledgling relationships.
  • Page 51 I routinely used the full body scan when my daughter's boyfriends would appear at the front door. I would open the door, stare deeply into the suitor's eyes, and very slowly scan his body from head to toe. I would finish my introduction with a stern, "What do you want?"
  • Page 53 Rolling your eyes at someone is a "foe signal" that discourages further interaction. It sends the message you think the individual is stupid or that his or her actions are inappropriate.
  • Page 53 When people disagree with a comment or proposal, they will often roll their eyes when the person who made the comment or proposal turns away or looks at his or her notes.
  • Page 53 SQUINTING OF THE EYES This foe signal is not as powerful as other foe cues are, but can still have a chilling effect on personal relationships.
  • Page 54 FURROWED EYEBROWS
  • Page 54 Tightened jaw muscles, narrowing of the eyes, and furrowed eyebrows are a cluster of nonverbal foe signals that can be seen from a distance and serve as early warning indicators to alert you to the possibility that the person you are about to meet may pose a threat.
  • Page 54

    AGGRESSIVE STANCE

  • Page 54 A wide stance with arms akimbo (hands on hips) is a foe signal. ...ATTACK SIGNALS ... INSULTING GESTURES Numerous ...SCRUNCHED NOSE Page 58 I look at stitch count in shirts. The more stitches per inch, the higher the quality of the shirt. Four-millimeter buttons are sewn on higher-quality shirts.
  • Page 58 If a man wears an expensive suit and a cheap watch, he is pretending to be someone he is not. Unshined shoes are another sign of a poser. People who engage in perception management often overlook the details, a tell that exposes who they really are.
  • Page 59

    TERRITORIAL (PERSONAL SPACE) INVASION

  • Page 59 "Invading" another person's territory—whether through intrusive eye contact or actual physical closeness—is a powerful foe signal.
  • Page 60 Territorial boundaries are also affected by where people live. In societies where people live in close quarters, they establish smaller personal boundaries out of necessity.
  • Page 61

    DOGMATIC VIEW OF TERRITORIAL FOE SIGNALS

  • Page 61 The dog lover violated the animal's physical space by moving toward it and further challenged the animal by looking directly into its eyes at ground level. Both dogs and humans perceive staring as a threatening (foe signal) gesture. The dog viewed the canine lover's presence as a threat or a potential threat; therefore, the dog presented an aggressive threat to protect its territory.
  • Page 61 Conversely, the dog hater ignored the animal and consequently posed no territorial threat. Without an actual or perceived threat, the dog became intrigued by the stranger.
  • Page 62 Members of a large group who form a semicircle with their feet pointing toward the open side of the circle are signaling that they are willing to accept new members. Members of a large group who form a closed circle are signaling they are not going to be receptive to adding new individuals to their gathering.
  • Page 65 When you reach the group you have chosen, confidently step into the empty space. Confident people are more liked than people who are not self-assured.
  • Page 65 Nodding signals approval and interest in what the other individuals are saying and also sends the message that you are confident, not arrogant.
  • Page 65 Arrogant people are typically not good listeners.
  • Page 65 Try to find common ground with the other members of the group. Finding common ground (similar interests, backgrounds, jobs, etc.) is the quickest way to develop rapport and kick your friend-making process into high gear.
  • Page 65 If common ground cannot be readily established, default to the topic of music. Almost everyone likes music.
  • Page 65 You don't want to discuss topics that have the potential to create strong feelings and potential conflicts,
  • Page 66 bridge- back. This refers to your use of portions of earlier discussions at a later time. Conversational bridge-backs can be comments, jokes, gestures, or other things unique to the earlier conversation. Using a conversational bridge- back sends the subtle message that you are not a newcomer to the person's circle of friends and acquaintances.
  • Page 66 If you see a person standing alone and his or her feet are pointed toward the exit, there's a good chance that they are thinking about leaving but haven't yet made the move. This provides you with an opening to approach that person. Give friend signals as you approach and then make an empathic statement (discussed in the next chapter) like "Oh, I see you're ready to leave" or "Oh, you find the party boring."
  • Page 67 Because people normally see us before they hear us, our nonverbal signals are like "coming attractions" or "trailers" for movies, giving the viewer advance notice of what they can expect from the main attraction and helping them decide if it's worth their time to pursue or avoid.
  • Page 67 In order to consciously imitate the same signals you subconsciously send with ease and authenticity, you must overcome the spotlight effect. The spotlight effect triggers when you do something surreptitiously and, because you are making a conscious effort to influence people's behavior, you think that everybody is aware of what you are doing.
  • Page 67 An example of the spotlight effect in action involves someone who lies. The liar thinks that the person he is lying to can see right through the lie, even when that individual is totally unaware of the deception. This, in turn, causes the liar to display verbal and nonverbal cues that actually indicate deception, allowing the person on the receiving end of the lie to detect the deception or, at least, become suspicious of what is being said.
  • Page 69 The first step in successfully imitating friend (or foe) signals is to watch how other people naturally display these signals and, also, to monitor your own signals. When you imitate a friend signal, try to duplicate the same sensation you feel when you catch yourself automatically displaying these nonverbal communications.
  • Page 71 Relationships that are strained will become obvious because the normal nonverbal cues present in a good relationship will be absent. For example, the couple will not look at each other. Their smiles are forced. One or both will often look at their plates when they speak. Heads are erect, not tilted. Their eyes are sweeping across the restaurant looking for other stimuli. They don't mirror each other's postures. They don't lean toward one another; in fact, they are usually leaning backward, away from each other. Chapter 3. The Golden Rule of Friendship
  • Page 76 If you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves. ... It sounds easy, but it takes practice even for trained agents. ... People's egos get in the way of practicing the Golden Rule of Friendship. ... Most people think the world revolves around them and they should be the center of attention.
  • Page 77

    TECHNIQUES TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES: EMPATHIC STATEMENTS

  • Page 77 Empathic statements keep the focus of the conversation on the person you are talking with rather than on yourself. ... Empathic statements such as "You look like you are having a bad day" or "You look happy today" let people know that someone is listening to them and cares to some degree about their well-being. ... Concentrated listening demonstrates that you are really interested in the other person and understand what they are saying. ... The basic formula for constructing empathic statements is "So you . . ." .... When using empathic statements to achieve the objective of the Golden Rule of Friendship, avoid repeating back word for word what the person said. .... Empathic statements keep the focus of the conversation on the other person and make them feel good about themselves. .... A fine line separates flattery from compliments. The word flattery has a more negative connotation than the term compliment. Flattery is often associated with insincere compliments used to exploit and manipulate others for selfish reasons. The purpose of compliments is to praise others and acknowledge their accomplishments. .... Insincere compliments and flattery are one and the same and will give the person receiving the false accolade a negative impression of you. .... The key to allowing people to compliment themselves is to construct a dialogue that predisposes people to recognize their attributes or accomplishments and give themselves a silent pat on the back.
  • Page 82 THIRD-PARTY COMPLIMENTS You can use a third party to compliment a person you want to befriend—without doing it yourself—and still get the "credit" for making the target of your compliment feel good about themselves and, by extension, feel good about you. .... To construct a third-party compliment you will need to find a mutual friend or acquaintance who knows both you and your person of interest. .... Words cannot change reality, but they can change how people perceive reality. Words create filters through which people view the world around them. A single word can make the difference between liking and disliking a person. .... you have already been encouraged to prejudge him as untrustworthy through what behavioral scientists refer to as the "primacy effect." If a friend describes the person you are about to meet for the first time as untrustworthy, you will be predisposed to view that person as untrustworthy, regardless of the person's actual level of trustworthiness. Thereafter, you will tend to view everything that person says or does as untrustworthy.
  • Page 87 Using the primacy effect is a great idea when you're using it to influence others, but be aware that it can cut both ways. If you're not careful, the primacy effect can cause you to be prejudicial in your own behavior toward others, leading to inaccurate and misleading beliefs about their behavior.
  • Page 88 ASKING A FAVOR Good old Ben Franklin, the guy on the hundred-dollar bill, observed that if he asked a colleague for a favor, the colleague liked him more than if he hadn't made the request. This phenomenon became known as (no surprise here) the Ben Franklin effect.

    Chapter 4. The Laws of Attraction

  • Page 97 THE LAW OF SIMILARITY ("COMMON GROUND") People who share the same perspectives, attitudes, and activities tend to develop close relationships. The adage "Birds of a feather flock together" has merit.
  • Page 97 CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH Early in my career, I noticed that most FBI agents looked alike and shared the same views. This can be explained by the psychological principle of similarity and attraction. FBI agents sitting on hiring boards tended to hire new agents who were most like themselves.
  • Page 98 Commonalities connect people. Finding common ground quickly establishes rapport and a fertile environment for developing friendships. Aristotle wrote, "We like those who resemble us, and are engaged in the same pursuits. . . . We like those who desire the same things as we [do]."
  • Page 98 What a person is doing can also serve as a basis for establishing common ground. If a person is walking a dog, reading a book, or pushing a baby carriage it provides you with valuable information for identifying potential conversation openers and/or similar interests.
  • Page 99 After you make initial contact with a person, listening to what they say can provide you with additional clues to their likes and dislikes. Make a conscious effort to direct the conversation toward the things you have in common.
  • Page 100 TEMPORAL EXPERIENCES Experiences shared across time, such as attendance at the same school, military service, or living in the same area, enhance opportunities for making friends.
  • Page 101 VICARIOUS EXPERIENCES A vicarious experience occurs when you live out a lifestyle or activity through the revelations of another person. You can use vicarious experiences to establish common ground with another person even when, in reality, you know very little about the subject matter being discussed.
  • Page 101 Here is an example: CAR SALESPERSON: What do you do for a living? CUSTOMER: I'm a baker. CAR SALESPERSON: Really? My father was a baker.
  • Page 102 THE LAW OF MISATTRIBUTION Sometimes making friends is simply a matter of being in the right place at the right time. When people feel good about themselves and do not attribute the good feeling to a specific cause, they tend to associate the cause of that good feeling with the person who is physically close to them at the time. If you happen to be that person, you're going to benefit and be liked not for anything you did but because of the "misattribution." In a sense, what we have here is a case of collateral benefit rather than collateral damage.
  • Page 104 THE LAW OF CURIOSITY Curiosity can be used as a "hook" to increase intensity (Friendship Formula) and pique a person's interest in you. It is an effective way to make friends.
  • Page 105 When you behave in a manner that produces curiosity in another person, it significantly increases the chances that individual will want to interact with you in an attempt to satisfy their curiosity.
  • Page 105 THE LAW OF RECIPROCITY Social norms dictate that if someone gives you something or performs a favor for you, large or small, then you are predisposed to return the gesture in like kind or in greater measure.
  • Page 106 The Law of Reciprocity is a very effective tool for making friends. When you smile at someone, that person feels obligated to return the smile.
  • Page 106 THE LAW OF SELF-DISCLOSURE Reciprocity is also linked with openness in communication. Individuals who disclose more personal information with other people are more likely to receive a similar level of personal information in return.
  • Page 106 communicating have shared interests.
  • Page 107 Self-disclosure is a two-step process. First, a person has to make a self-disclosure that is neither too general nor too intimate. Second, the self-disclosure must be received with empathy, caring, and respect. A negative response made to a genuine self-disclosure can instantly terminate a relationship.
  • Page 107 Disclosures should be made over a long period of time to ensure that the relationship slowly increases in intensity and closeness.
  • Page 108 Mutual self-disclosures create trust.
  • Page 108 THE LAW OF PERSONAL ATTRACTIVENESS
  • Page 108 Attractiveness is a tangible benefit for those who possess it.
  • Page 108 According to Gordon Wainwright, author of Teach Yourself Body Language, anyone can increase their attractiveness to others if they maintain good eye contact, act upbeat, dress well, add a dash of color to their wardrobe, and listen well. Wainwright also stresses
  • Page 108 the importance of posture and bearing and suggests that for one week you stand straight, tuck in your stomach, hold your head high, and smile at those you meet. From the results of many experiments, Wainwright predicts you will begin to be treated with more warmth and respect and start attracting more people to you.
  • Page 109 THE LAW OF HUMOR Individuals who use humor in social encounters are perceived as more likable.
  • Page 110 THE LAW OF FAMILIARITY The more we meet and interact with people, the more likely we are to become friends.
  • Page 110 The Law of Familiarity points to the importance of proximity
  • Page 111 THE LAW OF ASSOCIATION When people associate in large groups, people on the outside of the group tend to assess individual members of the group based on their overall impression of the total group.
  • Page 111 THE LAW OF SELF-ESTEEM People like to associate with individuals who display high levels of self-esteem. Thus, such individuals have an easier time attracting others and making friends.
  • Page 112 To people with high self-esteem, rejection is part of life, not a reflection on their self-worth.
  • Page 113 DON'T BANK ON IT One of my students told me of a common ruse that he and his friends often employ on nights out. On the way to a bar, they will stop by a large bank's ATM and pick through dropped receipts until they find ones that have especially large balances printed on them. These they pocket for later. Then, if the student or one of his friends meets a girl who is above his financial standing, he will casually write his phone number on the back of the purloined receipt—creating the illusion that he is a wealthy man.
  • Page 113 THE LAW OF AVAILABILITY (SCARCITY) People are attracted to individuals and things they cannot readily obtain.
  • Page 113 When the object of desire is finally gained, the attraction for the object rapidly diminishes.
  • Page 114 An individual should not always make him or herself readily available to the person they are targeting for a longer-term relationship.
  • Page 114 INCREASED RESTRAINT INCREASES DRIVE Parents are fully aware of this law! If you tell your children not to do something, they want to do it all the more.
  • Page 115 THE LAW OF THE ROCKY ROAD When two people meet and do not immediately like one another, especially in a romantic context, and then bond at a later time, they form a closer relationship than if they had hit it off immediately.
  • Page 115 A NEW STRATEGY TO BUTTERING UP THE BOSS: BUTTERING DOWN THE BOSS
  • Page 115 I purposefully remained distant and displayed neutral to slightly negative body language. Gradually, with each conversation we had, I began to display more positive nonverbal cues.
  • Page 117 One method to determine if a person is an extrovert is to begin a sentence and deliberately pause for a few seconds. Extroverts will generally complete the sentence for you. Introverts will not. The same method can be used to determine if you have established rapport with an introvert. When introverts are comfortable with the people they are with, they will often complete sentences in the same manner in which extroverts do. The difference in the use of this method is that you can identify extroverts even if you don't know that the person you are speaking with is an introvert or an extrovert. To test rapport with an introvert, you must first determine that the person you are talking with is an introvert.
  • Page 118 Be sure to allow your introverted customers time to think about your sales proposal. Introverts take in information, mull it over, and then come to a decision. Pressing introverts to reach a quick decision may force them to say no because they are not comfortable making immediate decisions.
  • Page 118 Conversely, extroverts can be pressured to some degree to buy your product "right now" because they are more comfortable making impulsive decisions.
  • Page 118 Some people actually exhibit almost equal extroverted and introverted characteristics; however, most people do have a preference for one or the other, and behave accordingly.
  • Page 119 THE LAW OF COMPLEMENTARITY (GIVING COMPLIMENTS) People like to be complimented. It makes them feel good about themselves and, according to the Golden Rule of Friendship, they are going to feel good about you. The result: a better chance to make a friend or strengthen an existing friendship.

    Chapter 5. Speaking the Language of Friendship

  • Page 120 The more you can encourage the other person to speak, the more you listen to what they say, display empathy, and respond positively when reacting to their comments, the greater the likelihood that person will feel good about themselves (Golden Rule of Friendship) and like you as a result.
  • Page 123 LEARNING TO KEEP YOUR EGO IN CHECK Instead of saying, "You've been manufacturing this chemical all wrong. I found a new and cheaper way to do it," Stacey should have employed psychologically sound principles to shape her communication. A more appropriate way to inform the boss of her significant breakthrough would be: "Sir, I would like your advice on something that would make our company more profitable."
  • Page 125 Listening to what another person is saying can be difficult to achieve, particularly for extroverts. They are so busy thinking about what they want to say, interrupting the speaker, or letting their mind wander that they literally don't hear what is being said. Obviously, a person can't respond effectively to another individual's message if he or she doesn't receive and process it. Is it really possible that we can "block" out a person's speech and not hear it? Yes. This was demonstrated in an experiment conducted more than a half century ago.
  • Page 126 The way to be sure you hear what someone is saying is to pay attention to their verbal pronouncements. This is referred to as active listening and is something you'll want to practice if you want to use verbal behavior as a tool to build new friendships.
  • Page 126 When it comes to establishing and building friendships through verbal behavior, take your cue from LOVE (Listen, Observe, Vocalize, and Empathize).
  • Page 126 RULE #1: LISTEN: PAY ATTENTION WHEN PEOPLE SPEAK SO YOU ARE FULLY AWARE OF WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.
  • Page 126 Speakers notice when a person isn't listening. The best way to focus on the listener's speech and, at the same time, transmit to the speaker nonverbally that you are paying attention to what is being said is to maintain eye contact.
  • Page 126 maintain eye contact with the speaker about two-thirds to three-fourths of the time he or she is talking to establish the appropriate degree of connectivity and to indicate you are tuned into what is being said.
  • Page 127 Paraphrasing what the person said keeps the focus on that individual.
  • Page 127 Empathic statements are the spice of conversations. If you make it a habit to use empathic statements, you will force yourself to listen more carefully to other people. As a consequence they will feel good about themselves and like you.
  • Page 128 RULE #2: OBSERVE: IN ANY VERBAL INTERACTION BE SURE TO OBSERVE THE OTHER PARTY BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER RECEIVING AND TRANSMITTING INFORMATION.
  • Page 128 People tend to distance themselves from things they don't want to see or hear.
  • Page 128 Crossing the arms over the chest is a blocking gesture, which could indicate the person wants to symbolically and physically block what they are seeing or hearing. Other signs of disengagement are looking around the room, when the person looks at their watch as if to say, "Time's up," or turning their feet, torso, or both toward the door or other parts of the room.
  • Page 133 Personal relationships are more difficult to initiate and maintain when the verbal landscape is dotted with word mines, both discovered and hidden.
  • Page 133 The best way to keep your verbal communication effective in a world filled with word mines is to:
  • Page 133 Think about the words you are going to use before you say them. Scan ahead for possible word mines that you'll want to eliminate from your speech. 2. Observe your listeners for any unusual reaction while you are speaking. It might indicate that a word mine has been tripped. 3. Do not become defensive or angry if a listener becomes agitated over your use of a word mine (even if you didn't know it existed); and 4. Immediately take the time to find out if the listener's discomfort is the result of a word mine detonation. If it is, apologize for using the word or phrase, explain that you were unaware that it had a negative connotation to the listener, and assure him or her that you will not use it again. And then, be sure you don't.
  • Page 135 remember why watching for and observing lip purses is so critical: Once a person is able to articulate a "No" response to your idea or suggestion, or voice a negative remark, the principle of "consistency" comes into play, meaning now it is very hard for the listener to go back on their verbal response and change their mind. The lip purse allows you to see a negative response coming and gives you a chance to counter it before it is spoken, giving you a better chance of getting your idea or project accepted.
  • Page 137 Another technique to "read a person's mind" is to watch for a lip bite. A lip bite is the soft biting or tugging of the upper or lower lip with the teeth. This nonverbal gesture indicates that the person has something to say but is hesitant to say it, for myriad reasons. Hence the old adage "Bite your lip," meaning keep your mouth shut and don't say anything has validity.
  • Page 138 LIP COMPRESSION Lip compression has a similar meaning to the lip bite, but it has a more negative connotation.
  • Page 139 Self-touching of the lips with hands, fingers, or objects such as pencils and other inanimate objects indicates the person is feeling uneasy about the topic that is being discussed.
  • Page 139 This self-touching signal can be effectively used in business and social settings. For example, if you are in a one-to-one sales meeting presenting a new product and you see your client lightly rubbing his lips with his fingers, take note. Upon seeing this nonverbal cue, you should formulate an empathic statement such as "This may be a bit overwhelming because you have never used this product before" to allow the client to express any concerns or misgivings they might have about the product or service you are offering.
  • Page 140 RULE #3: VOCALIZE: THE WAY YOU VOCALIZE AND WHAT YOU VOCALIZE WILL IMPACT YOUR EFFECTIVENESS IN MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS
  • Page 140 HOW YOU SPEAK INFLUENCES HOW OTHERS PERCEIVE YOUR MESSAGE . . . AND YOU
  • Page 141 Dragging out a word can signal interest.
  • Page 142 Strategy #1: When you are right and someone else is wrong, give that individual a face-saving way to carry out your wishes with a minimum of embarrassment and/or humiliation. The person will like you a lot more for your efforts on their behalf.
  • Page 147 Strategy #2: Use the verbal technique of "status elevation" to make people feel better about themselves and see you as a friend.
  • Page 147 Status elevation is a technique that satisfies an individual's need for recognition.
  • Page 149 Strategy #3: If you want to get information from somebody without arousing their suspicion or putting them on the defensive, use the elicitation approach. You use elicitation devices in conversation to obtain information from a person without that individual becoming sensitive (aware) of your purpose.
  • Page 149 Elicitation is the ability to obtain sensitive information from people without them realizing they are providing you with this data.
  • Page 149 1. Few, if any questions are asked,
  • Page 149 2. the process is painless because your person of interest is not aware they are revealing sensitive personal information;
  • Page 150 3. people will like you because you are making them the focus of your undivided attention; and
  • Page 150 4. individuals will thank you for being so kind
  • Page 150 People have a need to be right, but people have a stronger need to correct others. The need to be correct and/or to correct others is almost irresistible. Making presumptive statements is an elicitation technique that presents a fact that can be either right or wrong. If the presumptive is correct, people will affirm the fact and often provide additional information. If the presumptive is wrong, people will provide the correct answer, usually accompanied by a detailed explanation as to why it is correct.
  • Page 152 Salespeople use empathic elicitation to accomplish two goals. First, empathic statements quickly build rapport, and second, empathic elicitation gleans information from customers that they would not normally reveal under direct questioning.
  • Page 153 The empathic conditional keeps the focus of the conversation on the customer and introduces a set of circumstances under which the customer would purchase a product or service.
  • Page 153 SALESPERSON: So, you haven't decided which model you want to buy. (empathic statement)
  • Page 153 SALESPERSON: So you'd buy a car, if it were priced right? (empathic conditional)
  • Page 154 The empathic conditional helped the salesperson to identify a buying objective. With this new information, the salesperson can direct the customer to lines of cars within his price range.
  • Page 154 Quid pro quo is an elicitation technique that encourages people to match information provided by others. For example, you meet a person for the first time and want to know where they work. Instead of directly asking them, "Where do you work?" tell them where you work first.
  • Page 154 If you don't want people to know where you work but are still curious about where they are employed, you can get the needed information from the other person and short-circuit reciprocity by asking the question in a novel way. Say, "Where do you labor?" This question requires additional cognitive processing, which disrupts the need to reciprocate with the question, "Where do you work?"
  • Page 155 USING A THIRD-PARTY APPROACH TO DISCOVER THE WAY PEOPLE REALLY FEEL
  • Page 155 Instead of asking the direct question, "What do you think about cheating?" you want to say, "My friend Susan caught her husband cheating. What do you think about that?" When a person is confronted with a third- party observation, they tend to look inside themselves to find the answer and tell you what they really think.
  • Page 157 RULE #4: EMPATHIZE: USE EMPATHIC STATEMENTS AND OTHER VERBAL OBSERVATIONS THAT MAKE YOUR LISTENER(S) AWARE THAT YOU KNOW HOW THEY FEEL.
  • Page 157 Your empathic statements and/or statements of concern send a message to the listener that you comprehend their circumstances and realize what they have to say is meaningful. In doing so, you are fulfilling the other person's need to be recognized and appreciated.
  • Page 159 Showing empathy toward another person, whether it is done through empathic statements or other forms of verbal commentary, is a powerful way to make another person feel better about themselves and make them your friend at the same time.
  • Page 160 To keep the communication flowing smoothly, be sure to steer clear of common conversation pitfalls that impede verbal exchanges between individuals.
  • Page 160 Avoid talking about topics that engender negative feelings in your listener.
  • Page 160 2. Don't constantly complain about your problems, your family's problems, or the problems of the world.
  • Page 160 3. Avoid talking excessively about yourself.
  • Page 160 Do not engage in meaningless chatter;
  • Page 160 Avoid expressing too little or too much emotion. Extreme displays of emotion may put you in a bad light.

    Chapter 6. Building Closeness

  • Page 177 As you may recall, 70 percent of all information is transferred between individuals over food and drink. People who eat or drink together are predisposed to talk. Watching where a person places his or her cup can signal if rapport has been established. If the person across from you places his or her cup between the two of you, the cup forms a barrier, which signals that rapport has not yet been established. If the person places it to either side, leaving open the space between the two of you, this signals that rapport has been established. Chapter 7. Nurturing and Sustaining Long-Term Relationships
  • Page 188 People who are caring individuals show an honest concern for others. Not a passing comment or a flippant response to someone who is hurting, but rather a genuine sense of compassion for what that person is experiencing and a commitment to help make things better. In long-term relationships there will be many times when one or both partners are facing crises. It is here where the true level of concern, or lack of it, becomes evident. It is relatively easy to maintain a long-term relationship when things are going well; it is in the crucible of a crisis that the true character of an individual is revealed and found to be wonderful or wanting.
  • Page 190 In long- term relationships, communication is a key element in sustaining or draining the feelings we have toward one another. Open, honest interchanges between long- term partners build trust, demonstrate a caring attitude, and provide vital information about the ongoing health of the relationship.
  • Page 199 An effective anger management strategy involves keeping the focus of the conversation on the angry party, allowing him or her to vent, and in addition provides a directed course of action to deal with the problem that caused the anger in the first place. This breaks the anger cycle and allows for the resolution of crisis situations without damaging personal relationships.
  • Page 201 Empathic statements capture a person's verbal message, physical status, or emotions, and using parallel language, reflect them back to the speaker.
  • Page 201 Presumptive statements direct angry people to take a course of action that leads toward the resolution of the conflict that aroused their ire in the first place.
  • Page 203 detect that all is not well. The better you are at spotting changes in verbal and nonverbal cues, the greater your potential ability at empathizing. Watch for small changes on the face. Listen for tension in the voice and emphasis on specific words. Listen for emotional words.
  • Page 203 To people who are not angry, empathic statements might seem patronizing, but this is not the case for angry people, for two reasons. First, the fight or flight response is engaged, and angry people cannot logically process information; in this case, empathic statements fall within the human baseline and if properly constructed, will not be detected by the angry person. Second, people naturally think that others should listen to them and be sympathetic, particularly when they are angry.
  • Page 205 Venting is a critical component of breaking the anger cycle because it reduces frustration. Chapter 8. The Perils and Promise of Relationships in a Digital World
  • Page 214 THE INTERNET IS INTROVERT-FRIENDLY Introverts disclose more information on social networks than they do in face-to-face encounters. This is because the Internet format allows introverts sufficient time to formulate meaningful responses.
  • Page 215 Ease of Finding "Common Ground" If ever there was a chance for the Law of Similarity (Chapter 4) to operate, it would be on the Internet. When it comes to finding common ground with individuals possessing similar interests, the digital world provides the perfect environment for matchups.
  • Page 215 Numbers If you're looking for a friend with specific qualifications and interests, where would you rather look: in a bar or other public place that might hold a hundred people, or on the Internet, where tens of millions of people await to be clicked on? The sheer number of people that go online increases your chances of finding persons of interest who best fit your particular needs.
  • Page 216 Less Chance of Being Embarrassed Anonymity and the ability to start and end relationships with a click of a mouse make the online user much less likely to face the humiliation and embarrassment that comes with face-to-face disapproval or outright rejection.
  • Page 216 The Ability to Prequalify Potential Friends Particularly on dating sites, individuals looking for partners have the opportunity to describe what they want in a potential respondent.
  • Page 216 The Opportunity to "Check People Out" The Internet is information-rich. It provides a wealth of information for those people who know how to get it or are interested in learning more about something or somebody.
  • Page 227 When you ask someone a direct yes-or-no question and they begin their answer with the "Well," there is a high probability of deception. It indicates that the person answering the question is about to give you an answer that they know you are not expecting. The following exchanges will clarify the "Well" technique.
  • Page 228 When people choose not to answer yes or no, they go to the Land of Is. The Land of Is occupies the space between truth and deception. This murky area contains a labyrinth of half-truths, excuses, and suppositions. President Clinton's now famous statement to the grand jury inspired the concept of the Land of Is.
  • Page 230 When someone provides you with an answer to a question, simply ask them "Why should I believe you?" Honest people typically answer, "Because I am telling the truth" or some derivation thereof. Truthful people simply convey information. They focus on accurately presenting facts. Conversely, liars try to convince people that what is being said is true. Their focus is not on accurately presenting facts, but rather, on convincing listeners that the facts presented represent the truth.
  • Page 230 Since liars cannot rely on facts to establish their credibility, they tend to bolster their credibility to make their version of the facts appear believable.
  • Page 232 The magnitude of deception in online profiles should not come as a big surprise. An online profile is the equivalent of a first date. Anyone who has been on a first date will remember putting his or her best foot forward. (Just as in a first job interview, we wear our "interview" suit.) Women dressed with great contemplation and took extra minutes to put on their makeup. Men ensured their clothes were color-coordinated and wrinkle-free. Conversations were rehearsed before any words were exchanged. Personality flaws and behavioral quirks were carefully camouflaged with polite talk and impeccable manners. The extra steps were taken to make the right first impression.
  • Page 235 COMPETING HYPOTHESES Developing competing hypotheses prevents the truth bias and the primacy effect from unduly undermining your ability to judge the character and veracity of the person who is writing to you. Hypotheses are nothing more than educated guesses. A competing hypothesis is an educated guess that supposes a different outcome based on the same or similar set of circumstances.