Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.
Get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.
Openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories.
The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more unified, and more committed action later on.
The greater the shared meaning the better the choice, the more the unity, and the stronger the conviction—
The first step to achieving the results we really want is to fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us.
The best way to work on “us” is to start with “me.”
We do something to contribute to the problems we’re experiencing.
Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.
They’re steely eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want.
Skilled people don’t make Fool’s Choices (either/or choices).
When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.
Desire to win is continually driving us away from healthy dialogue.
You must step away from the interaction and look at yourself—much like an outsider.
First, clarify what you really want.
Second, clarify what you really don’t want.
We get so caught up in what we’re saying that it can be nearly impossible to pull ourselves out of the argument in order to see what’s happening to ourselves and to others.
When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing
people rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe.
Not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation.
Crucial conversations often go awry not because others dislike the content of the conversation, but because they believe the content (even if it’s delivered in a gentle way) suggests that you have a malicious intent.
The first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose.
Find a shared goal, and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking.
Others don’t make you mad. You make you mad.
You make you scared, annoyed, or insulted. You and only you create your emotions.
Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself stories.
Storytelling typically happens blindingly fast.
Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories.
If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us.
The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what you’re feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances.
Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior.
Spot the story by watching for “hot” words.
Either our stories are completely accurate and propel us in healthy directions, or they’re quite inaccurate but justify our current behavio—
Victim Stories—“It’s Not My Fault” make us out to be innocent sufferers. The theme is always the same.
When you tell a Victim Story, you intentionally ignore the role you have played in the problem.
Villain Stories—“It’s All Your Fault”
In Victim Stories we exaggerate our own innocence. In Villain Stories we overemphasize the other person’s guilt or stupidity.
Helpless Stories—“There’s Nothing Else I Can Do
Facts form the foundation of belief. So if you want to persuade others, don’t start with your stories. Start with your observations.
While we’re speaking here about being persuasive, let’s add that our goal is not to persuade others that we are right. We aren’t trying to “win” the dialogue. We just want our meaning to be added to the pool to get a fair hearing.
If your goal is to help others see how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could think what you’re thinking, start with your facts.
To avoid overreacting to others’ stories, ask: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?”
Mirror to Confirm Feelings
Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action.
when you watch people who are skilled in dialogue, they’re looking for points of agreement.
Don’t allow people to assume that dialogue is decision making. Dialogue is a process for getting all relevant meaning into a shared pool.
“One dull pencil is worth six sharp minds.”